Episode 2: How to Get to Know Your Ego to Reclaim Peace

[00:00:00] Erin: Welcome everyone to Grounded in Love podcast, episode two. This is a podcast taking us through different themes of conscious living and loving. Last week, we dove into consciousness, where we explained that it was everything, nothing, and one thing. So you're welcome for that. This week, we'll dive into the topic of ego and suffering.
[00:00:57] This is Erin, and I'll pass the mic off to my lovely husband, Garrett.
[00:01:01] Garrett: Well, hello everyone. I was so grateful for the people that took their time to listen to the first podcast. I think that was awesome. I'm really excited to be here again talking about our topic today, and Erin, do you want to introduce us to that?
[00:01:21] Erin: Yeah, we wanted to talk about ego and, the term suffering, because it's one you hear a lot in this realm. You hear the word ego again and again, and it has kind of different meanings depending on how you're looking at it. So I want to look at how it affects our life so dramatically and why in the end it really just leads to the problems or what we often call suffering.
[00:01:48] And maybe. Get to what we can do about it.
[00:01:52] Garrett: Yeah, I think it's important to know that a lot of this stuff we're talking about is not something that we've discovered on our own. We have our own beliefs that we have self-discovered and verified and whatnot, but the things that we talk about have been known for thousands of years, and what we're helping to do is bring it back to light in a way for people to resonate with it and understand it.
[00:02:22] I think if I had one thing to tell people to answer the question, what is the best self-help advice you can give me? It would be, understand the difference between your ego and your true self. And we'll define what those mean, but I think right now we're starting with defining the ego and the identity that is the ego.
[00:02:52] Erin: So what is that ego, Garrett?
[00:02:56] Garrett: It's all pervasive, for the most part. So, in humans, we, all have an ego, and the ego is how we define ourselves. It defines how we interact with people. It defines how we go about different interactions with our relationships. It defines when we are sad. It defines when we're angry. It defines when we experience pleasure, it defines wanting more pleasure, and taking away pain.
[00:03:37] It is always churning. It is who we are, and it's not something that can officially die. Because all of our thoughts are our ego. We have to have our ego to process what we're feeling and what we're experiencing inside of us. So our ego is constantly with us and everyone has one here.
[00:04:04] Erin: Would you say it was our personality?
[00:04:08] Garrett: Not, not quite. I think it's related to your personality. Your personality to me seems more of what you resonate with in terms of some people are more outgoing and not joyous, but like to make jokes and humorous. And some people are less so. They're more introverted, and they like their own peace and space.
[00:04:35] So, I think the ego is a part of personality, but I think the ego is much, much more than just your personality.
[00:04:45] Erin: Okay, so, all of the thoughts I have. All of the perceptions and life that I've lived are all part of what makes up the ego. Right?
[00:05:00] Garrett: Exactly.
[00:05:01] Erin: And so every experience I've had and everything that's come through the lens that I have of life is all filtered through the ego or is that the ego?
[00:05:17] Garrett: Filter through.
[00:05:18] Erin: Okay.
[00:05:19] Garrett: Yeah. The ego is like a lens that you experience everything through. And you start developing your ego at a very young age. Your ego is essentially what believes that everyone is separate from each other. That you are your own identity and other people do not have the same identity as you. So you learn that very, very early on and basically every situation you come across in your life later on is related to what you've learned and established about yourself at very early stages of your life. And then that is reinforced, as you experience life.
[00:06:11] Erin: And, from what I’ve gathered and from what you're saying, the ego’s sole responsibility is to keep you safe and alive. And that's in any sort of context, whether it's socially safe, or if it's physically safe, it will do anything and it will tell you - your ego will come up with stories or thoughts that will back that up to make sure that you survive at all costs.
[00:06:52] Garrett: Absolutely. It developed from a survival mechanism. Unfortunately, now, since humans don't need to survive as much in most of the world. It now is being used to continue to separate us from each other and from our internal joy.
[00:07:17] Erin: So is the ego then considered bad?
[00:07:22] Garrett: No. Of course not. It's not a bad thing.
[00:07:26] It's just, a thing. It's another thing in our world. We talked about non duality last time, nothing can be bad. The ego is unhealthy in a lot of ways. It's unhealthy because it craves things. Usually pleasurable things. It craves wanting more stuff, at least here in the western world. Because it believes that if it can attain certain things, then it will be whole.
[00:08:02] We will feel whole once we attain love from others, more materialistic things, more peace. You can even be attached to wanting more joy and peace in your life. It really will attach itself to anything that it thinks you are missing inside. If you have given it a reason to believe that you have holes inside of yourself, it will find a way to fill those holes. Because that's its job. That's what it's supposed to do.
[00:08:45] Erin: Yeah, and spoiler alert, we truly believe that you are absolutely whole no matter what. You have nothing that you need from the outside world or externally. The ego is false in its ideology of needing external factors to complete us. So that does create what we consider issues, problems, and suffering.
[00:09:12] That we don't really need to have because we are truly whole and everything we need to be we already have, we already are that. And it's kind of crazy to think that so many people out there us, our kids, everyone, we all have this idea that we're not enough, that we need external validation to complete us. But that's something we'll continue discussing throughout all our podcasts. Cause it's a core belief of ours.
[00:09:48] Garrett: Yeah, again, you wouldn't have an ego if you knew that you were completely whole. And so during your upbringing, at some points in your life, your parents told you, "you're not enough." For one reason or another, or people that were influential in your life said the same thing.
[00:10:12] So that's where we get into trouble. And I think right now it would be helpful to go through an example of an ego. So, I'm going to give you an example here. Why do you not like certain people?
[00:10:30] Erin: Oh, are you asking me this, okay? Because somebody does something differently than I do and it makes me uncomfortable.
[00:10:43] Garrett: Sure, and it could be that person has a piece of you that you don't accept about yourself. That person exemplifies something that you think is wrong or unacceptable.
[00:11:02] So now, because that person exhibits those traits, you say, uh, I don't like that person. I don't want to associate with them. And that's something that your ego has constructed.
[00:11:18] Erin: Let me give a specific example. Yeah. So let's say, there's someone that I run into that is really outgoing and they ask for what they want and they're sort of boisterous, if you will.
[00:11:37] And I'm turned off by that. I say, you know, that person is just too much. And that most likely is because they are exhibiting behaviors that I wish I could be. Somewhere deep inside I want to be able to ask for the things I want. And to be able to have those behaviors and patterns that that person does. But it comes out as, “no, I don't like that person. That's not what I want to be." But somewhere inside it is.
[00:12:10] Garrett: You want to be assertive at times and be able to be outgoing and comfortable with doing those things.
[00:12:18] But let me ask you this. When you see those people, what type of person is that? You said you don't like them, but why is their behavior uncomfortable to you?
[00:12:31] Erin: What type of person is that? I don't know exactly what you're asking.
[00:12:35] Garrett: So why is it bad, for example, for somebody to be like that? Is it selfish? Is it rude?
[00:12:45] Is it...
[00:12:47] Erin: It's not thinking of others. It's putting themselves first.
[00:12:50] Garrett: Exactly.
[00:12:51] Erin: Yeah.
[00:12:52] Garrett: Exactly. That's exactly what your ego has constructed. You must put others ahead of yourself. So, when you see someone that is not doing that, you don't like that person.
[00:13:10] So it's a perfect example of what the ego has told you. It's a lie. It's not the truth, because every one of us has parts of ourselves that we don't think we have. We all do.
[00:13:28] Parts of us want to take care of ourselves. Parts of us want to be giving to others. It's not one way or another. But our ego has made us decide.
[00:13:44] You must either be this or be that. Can't be both.
[00:13:48] Erin: And for anyone who's interested in learning more about that, it's the shadow side is what Garrett is referring to, the shadow work, shadows of ourselves. That’s hidden from us for most of our lives. But when you look into it, it's really true.
[00:14:06] Garrett: It's hidden from us except for the relationships that we choose to be in. Whenever you're in a relationship, whether it's a kid, or adult, or partner. They are going to exhibit your shadow self back to you. And the way you can tell is when you get very frustrated with people. When you have issues with that person, that is telling you directly, this is a part of me I don't like. I don't like this part. And now because of my ego, I'm going to say, it's your fault. I mean, how many times in a relationship do we say it's your fault. You're doing these things to me.
[00:14:58] It's not me. It's you. You're doing them. And that's what leads to suffering. Because ultimately, it's not anyone else. It's your resonance with that person showing you parts you don't like about yourself.
[00:15:18] Erin: And here's another term that would be used “mirrors” as well, right? It's the mirror of yourself and that is something that is pretty deep for episode two here, because I think it's something that's really hard to understand or to believe.
[00:15:37] I have yet to discuss it with people and have it resonate in any way because it's really hard to come to terms with that understanding.
[00:15:48] Garrett: So open any self help book. It will tell you the first step is taking ultimate responsibility for your life.
[00:15:59] And that is just a different way of taking responsibility for your ego. For where you're at in your life and how you process things.
[00:16:10] Erin: Right I like thinking of it like that. Just take responsibility. If you are upset by what somebody did. It's still just, you're the one that's getting upset. You're resonating with something. So it's not them. It always comes down to how you feel, how you act and what you think is under your control and take responsibility for it.
[00:16:34] Garrett: Yeah and it's, tough because there are levels of abuse that happen. And as an adult, you have more control over sticking in a relationship that's toxic. And we won't go into that right now. But at the same time, you are responsible for what you're resonating with. That is something you learned.
[00:17:01] It's actually something you seek in your partner to resonate with that energy. You want that from your partner. You, to a degree, want that drama. Because it's something you've learned that you need. And you wouldn't go on a podcast or talking to your friends about oh yeah, I love when I get mad at my husband about not washing the dishes. I want them to wash the dishes, but some piece of you, enjoys that confrontation to some degree.
[00:17:46] Maybe it enjoys the energy that is an argument or the post argument and the reconciliation. It's all a part of you and we all have that in us.
[00:18:03] Erin: I'm glad you said that about the abuse and things, because we always do want to be mindful that people are in those situations and it's not their fault.
[00:18:12] Let's take it back to how the ego is causing us suffering in everyday life. Buddha said we're all suffering and everything, but really it's just, it's our daily anxiety. It's our everyday sadness or worries, everything that's happening, emotionally in our lives that is essentially causing us to have not the best day.
[00:18:40] Garrett: Yeah. The ego causes suffering through the coping mechanisms that it has. So it's not the ego itself. It's the identification that you must be a certain way, that you must act a certain way, or think a certain way. If you're going to work, you may have coworkers that you really enjoy, and you might have coworkers you want to avoid at all costs.
[00:19:13] Well, you don't get to decide which coworkers you're going interact with that day. When you interact with a coworker you don't like, then your day is worse. You have the worst day. You might come home and be like, "Uh, I had to talk to John again. John just drives me crazy. He does all these things, and he's never right about anything, and he makes everything harder for everyone, and I just don't like when I have to interact with him."
[00:19:46] Well, you didn't get to choose. You had to interact with John that day and you're suffering because of it. You don't have to. So, why, Erin, do you not have to suffer that way?
[00:20:04] Erin: Well, you do have a choice. You don't get to choose whether or not you interact with John, but you do have a choice of whether John is going to get to you in that way.
[00:20:17] Is he going to get under your skin? Do you need to let that affect you? Why do they have to mean something to you? So how can you explain how that doesn't have to be?
[00:20:29] Garrett: Yeah, I think the first part is accepting it as a reflection. As, wait, if I'm having this issue, it's something in me that I don't like. The reflection is where you can learn a lot about yourself and your ego. Because if you believe to some degree that most people are trying their best in any given day, then you can have compassion for that person and say, "okay, maybe they have a tough life in some way."
[00:21:07] We all do. We all have a tough life. So what can we do to stay compassionate, go within ourselves, and say, "Okay, it's not John. What is it about John that I don't like?" And then the reflection starts the healing process for yourself.
[00:21:30] It's tough to do. It's really tough to do.
[00:21:32] Erin: It is because we're so blinded to what it really is about John that we don't like about ourselves because it could be twisted in different ways. You know, it could be things that we envy or that we absolutely dislike for a completely different reason. Like we don't want to be that at any cost because of X, Y, Z. There's so many different ways that person can be your mirror.
[00:22:00] And so it's, looking so deeply within at these things that you've been unconscious to for so long. Or you don't want to see about yourself. That's the hard part.
[00:22:11] Garrett: You have an ego that's preventing you from seeing it. You think you're your thoughts.
[00:22:20] That's all you are. And that's your ego. You don't notice that there's something that pays attention to your thoughts. You know you're thinking. Who knows you're thinking? What is that thing?
[00:22:37] To us, that's consciousness. That's your true self. It's the awareness of all that is. So when you can say, wait, thoughts are just thoughts, I don't have to believe and be my thoughts. I can be anything I want to be. In fact, tomorrow you can completely change your identity.
[00:23:00] Sometimes you may be in a situation with your family and you act completely one way. And yet you're in the same situation with your friends and you act a completely opposite way. You're the same person, but your identity shifts based on what situation you're in.
[00:23:24] Your thoughts are not you. They're just a part of you. And the best self-help advice we can give is: understand you are not your thoughts. You're separate from your thoughts and some other entity is observing those thoughts.
[00:23:44] Erin: And that entity is completely whole and doesn't need any of those things that the thoughts are seeking. All the external pleasures. If you can separate a little bit from those thoughts or just know that, then, that's a step into understanding that you are enough just as you are.
[00:24:12] Garrett: The suffering comes from the constant lack and limitation you put on yourself. So the lacking would be: I don't have enough friends, I don't have enough money, and I need to get more. I'm not okay just with where I'm at right now. I'm not okay with that. And therefore, everything is future based. Everything is about what you need to get so you feel happy. So that you can finally find peace.
[00:24:50] There is no future time you need to get to, to find that peace. That peace is here. It's right now. It's obscured by all the thoughts and all the ego traits you have, but it's here right now.
[00:25:06] You can experience right as you're listening to this podcast. It's here for you, but something in your mind tells you, no, no, not good enough. This present moment, I'm bored. I need to do something else. I need to keep achieving and striving and doing. And finally, I'll be the person I want to be. It's a miserable existence.
[00:25:32] Erin: It is. Even though I think a lot of the times we don't consider it because it's our norm.
[00:25:37] It's just the norm to be living in this cycle of resisting everything that is. Striving for everything you don't have. And, suffering.
[00:25:50] Garrett: Yeah. And when you tell yourself, I want to do this thing, the next thing you say is. Oh, I can't, I can't, I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough. I don't have enough money to do that.
[00:26:06] I can't follow my passions because I need to make money in this other way. There are a thousand excuses that you also tell yourself that limit you to ever getting anywhere.
[00:26:24] Erin: I feel like we're such downers at the moment.
[00:26:31] Garrett: It's like, you're lacking everything, and then you're limiting yourself from getting any of those things. Because you're never okay with just being in the moment. And that's, that is so important to just be present. Be okay with just experiencing life.
[00:26:56] Erin: With what is actually happening in front of you. Rather than resisting everything that is unfolding.
[00:27:03] Garrett: Surrender to it. Breathe. Take a moment to take a breath. When you have a lot of anxiety, or stress, or anything, take a moment to just sit and breathe. It will take you right back to the present moment, and you'll feel your body, and you'll know that you're alive. And you're breathing. And you're here. And all of that is good.
[00:27:34] Erin: So I think on that note, a little bit more positive. We will say goodbye for today and thank you so much for listening.
[00:27:44] Garrett: Absolutely. I'll link an article I wrote about how to dis-identify with your ego in the show notes and it will be on our website which we just launched. Which is grounded to love "to" groundedtolove.com. We also have a feature there where any of our listeners can submit a question to us and we will do one of three things: we'll answer it on our podcast episode. We will answer it personally. Or we will answer it in our Q&A newsletter that we put out there. So, thanks again for listening. Subscribe if you like the show. Until next time.
[00:28:31] Erin: Thank you.